Make an “Our Adventures” List with Your Partner to Combat Comparison
Photo by Briona Baker on Unsplash
Do you ever feel like everyone around you is way cooler than you? That they go to more parties, have more friends, and take more trips than you? Maybe you don’t feel this quite as much with everyone seeming to be in quarantine, lockdown, but I bet as things continue to open back up, with it will come the opportunity to look around and perceive that everyone around you in a relationship has a way cooler, and ultimately better, life than you do.
We know this can’t really be true. No 27-year-old actually takes a trip around the world every week. But when you follow a thousand 27-year-olds, there seems to be a near certainty that someone in that group is traveling at any given time. Or maybe it’s not travel given our current climate — maybe the people you follow seem to be better at cooking than you do. Maybe they seem to be better at working out, or maintaining their relationships, or starting their own business, or raising their young, blue-eyed, blond hair kids.
A lot of social media tools are built around this concept of following people who are more popular than you. The people we follow and watch typically have larger social groups than we do which leads to, as sociologist Scott Feld says, “a majority illusion.”
Kristina Lerman, writing for Fast Company breaks down that a majority illusion happens when:
“A trait that is rare in a network as a whole appears to be common within many social circles.”
She goes on to write that:
“The majority illusion can explain why you may notice that your friends seem to be doing more exciting things: People who are more socially connected disproportionately influence what we see and learn on social media.”
Simply knowing that the majority illusion exists isn’t enough to combat the mental, emotional, and psychological effects of this perceived disparity.
Healthline recently described how “Studies have linked the use of social media to depression, anxiety, poorer sleep quality, lower self-esteem, inattention, and hyperactivity — often in teens and adolescents.”
This majority illusion is really damaging our ability to value what we have and to make the most of the life and opportunities that are right in front of us.
My wife and I wrestle with this. Our friends wrestle with this. Our family members have a hard time keeping up with the endless barrage of vacations, Michelin meals, and sports games that the people we follow seem to be enjoying.
The answer, for some people, is to just get rid of their social media accounts and to back off from the constant scrolling for a season. But seeing as 79% of Americans have social media accounts, completely cutting yourself off from all outlets may not be the best path for you.
My wife and I came up with a system that helps us. It’s not foolproof, but it has reduced our tendency to compare ourselves to others. It’s helped us remember that we’ve got a pretty great life, and it’s deepened our gratitude for what we have done and what we get to do.
It helps us remember that our life is probably way cooler than we give it credit for.
Make an “Our Adventures” list
Everyone wants to go on an adventure. That word “adventure” has become one of the top buzzwords of the 21st century.
Merriam-Webster defines adventure as: “an exciting or remarkable experience.”
It can be that simple. But as the majority illusion continues to infiltrate our minds and influence our thinking, societally, we’ve practically re-defined adventure to be something more in line with this:
“The experiences that the top 3% of popular people seem to have.”
See the difference?
If you want to have an adventure, set out to do something that is exciting or remarkable to you. There isn’t an approval form or a notice of items that make the adventure-worthy list. You don’t have to road-trip to the Grand Canyon or fly up to NYC for the weekend to have an adventure.
That’s the beauty of making your own “Our Adventures” list. You get to curate what you define as being an adventure and then you get to track it with the people you love.
Pick your adventures
Maybe your definition of an exciting or remarkable experience is to do a movie date night out on the town because you have three kids and getting away for the evening is a miracle.
Maybe your adventure is going to local state parks. Maybe it’s playing new board games or trying out different bottles of cheap wine from the local grocery store.
It’s your adventure list. You get to decide what goes on.
My wife and I got married in 2015. That’s when we started our list. We track big things like our trips we’ve taken or the countries we’ve visited. But we also track other adventures that make us happy — the shows we’ve watched together, the movies we’ve been to, the musicals we’ve seen (and consequently, have sung to), and the family traditions we’ve started.
We’ve added and adjusted it along the way. Just recently, we started keeping track of the local hikes we go on because we both love to be outdoors but we don’t always have the means to go out to Zion National Park for the weekend.
Our list has evolved over the last few years, but that’s the beauty of it being an “our” adventure list. No one can tell you or us what should or shouldn't go on that list.
Look back at your list often
The best reason to make this list is that it gives you something to go back to when you start to feel upset and tempted to believe that everyone else has a way cooler life than you do.
My wife and I talk about that a lot. When one of us is grumpy because our scrolling through social media has made us envious of seemingly endless amount of money people have, we’ll pull out our shared note and will look over our adventure list.
We rarely get to the end of the list before we are once again smiling, laughing, remembering fun memories and telling goofy stories that encapsulate our adventures.
It’s the practice of re-framing the majority illusion down to our level. It’s the habit of reminding ourselves that when we come back to our definition of adventure, our lives are pretty great.
Don’t let people tell you that you aren’t cool
I don’t know you personally, but here are a few things that I do know for sure. You’re cooler than you probably think you are. Your life is more than likely much more exciting than you typically give it credit.
You might not have eaten cheese and bread in front of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, but when it comes down to your average Tuesday, who really cares about that?
Despite what social media typically makes you feel, you have enough. You’ve done enough. You have good friends and you’re popular enough for anything and everything you need.
Don’t believe me? Spend some time creating an “Our Adventure” list and put down what comes to your heart, not what your 642 followers on Instagram might deem as an adventure. Start tracking your passions, and I bet you’ll find that you’re a pretty cool, amazing, unique, and adventurous person.